"I think I met someone I slept with this weekend."

- CSH

"Made it to the gate and thinking about getting 6 inches...or just a bagel."
- TD

"Support our troops: jerk off a serviceman."
- bumper sticker?

"She had set up cups in the form of a bowling alley..."
- Dad

"It was the least I could do for my country."
- DAN

"It worked, didn't it? I'm not as drunk as I look."
- DAN

"We better get the hell outta here before I do somethin'.
- Diane

"Is this the one when you touch it you get poison ivy?"
- C

"Face Punch: Let's Do This!"
- movie poster, New Moon

"It’s being pumped through the building’s air conditioning system, you cock-juggling thundercunt!"
- Hannibal King, Blade: Trinity

"Have you ever fired two guns whilst jumping through the air?"
- Danny Butterman, Hot Fuzz

"I love snow. But I love martinis, too. And I love dressing up."
- EAY

"Are they virtual pies?"
- Lo Mo

"Do I have a girlfriend? Well, technically no..."
- John Legend, Green Light

“You’ve got red on you.”
- Shaun of the Dead

"You know, you're not supposed to eat late at night. Then again, you're not supposed to drink booze in the morning."
- Jim Gaffigan, Beyond the Pale

"Those men and that muff-diver believe in you."
- Patches O'Houlihan, Dodgeball: A True Underdog Story

"Cat in the wall, eh? Okaaay. Now you're talkin' my language. I know this game."
- Charlie, It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia

"It's what I have left over from my pool cleaning money...after I bought dip and nunchucks."
- Puck, Glee

"where are all the sane and happy guys that should want to jump our bones? we're desirable...and educated dammit"
- RT3

"i'll be strumming lady gaga on a ukulele while wearing a grass skirt"
- RT3

"Whoa, smack that ass!"
- Suki, 2 Fast 2 Furious

"This is a learning AND friendship adventure."
- Tracy Jordan, 30 Rock

"Fish sticks are not an aphrodisiac; you're thinking of deer penis."
- Dwight, The Office

"This is fun both in its text and gay crayon drawings."
The New Yorker, back of Mike Mulligan and His Steam Shovel

"Yeah, but it was crotch-based..."
- EAY

"This dog is not, and may never be, umbrella trained."
- Monk, Monk

"Bonjour, douche bag."
- Chev Chelios, Crank

"Where's the reject button?"
- Ronni

"I, too, spend most days thinking..."
- Lo Mo