"Snorkeling!?!?!"
- DAN

"I know what having sex with you is gonna be like, and it will mean, it will be so amazing that I'll end up killing you."
Robert Pattinson, Access Hollywood Interview

"When does that happen?!? Only in the movies...or that one e-harmony thing looks good too."
- KAH

"Who's Trish McEvoy? Is she on the WB?"
- A

"I hate dead people."
- DAN

"Every ant you meet must be named."
- Andy Riley, Great Lies to Tell Small Kids

"Do the glory hole dance."
- A

"Uh oh. The wine's getting cold."
- DAN

"Excuse me, did you leave your Princeton hot pants at my house?"
- Greg

"It's so cute! It's like prison."
- BCT

"I wanna airplane her!"
- Shauna

"Dicks are like snowflakes...you'll find one."
- RT3

"I was born for this river."
- RT3 or Greg?

"Just the tip...you're just gonna stick it in, turn it around a little bit, then take it out."
- Ronni

"Felonies and gourds have one very important commonality: they're both extremely fucking real."
- Colin Nissan, "It's Decorative Gourd Season, Motherfuckers."

"I like to whisper, too."
- Buddy, Elf

"LOOKS like Sumo…but it’s really me in my shape-shifted form…"
- V

"Excuse me, can you please get out of my face?"
- B

"I am brave. Rollercoasters: love 'em. Scary movies: I've seen Ghostbusters like seven times. I regularly drive through neighborhoods that have only recently been gentrified. So yeah, I'm pretty much not afraid of anything."
Phil, Modern Family

"I will give you a hint: his last name is Christ, he has the power of flight, he can heal leopards..."
- Michael Scott, The Office

"I got woken up via bikini wax alarm."
- EAY

"In an ideal world I would have all ten fingers on my left hand, so my right hand could just be a fist for punching."
- Dwight, The Office

"Yellow Hexagons, you're doing Cover Your Parts."
- LMW

"She's a very faintish mother."
- B

"Don't cut me out of this life."
- DAN

"Oh Vestival, oh Vestival, slee-eeves are for suckers."
-EAY, Oh, Vestival

"Um, the way I understand it, the Second Amendment of the Constitution of the United States stated it is the right of all citizens to bare arms I think was a misinterpretation of rifles or muskets. But I think what our founding fathers really meant was they were really fighting for their right to wear sweater vests."
- Will, Vestival Video

"Well, there's a common misunderstanding actually about this holiday that I'd like to clarify. A lot of people consider this to be a sort of anti-sleeve holiday and that's just not true. Really this is a celebration of sleeves. One where we pay tribute and honor sleeves by giving them the day off."
- Curt, Vestival Video

"I just ran into Ms. Negrini's penis!"
- B

"That night, Reggie showed me his junk."
- Ira, Ira Sleeps Over

"I'm singing. I'm in a store and I'm siiiiiingiiiiing! I'm in a store and I'm siiiiiingiiiiing!
- Buddy, Elf

"I think I met someone I slept with this weekend."

- CSH

"Made it to the gate and thinking about getting 6 inches...or just a bagel."
- TD

"Support our troops: jerk off a serviceman."
- bumper sticker?

"She had set up cups in the form of a bowling alley..."
- Dad

"It was the least I could do for my country."
- DAN

"It worked, didn't it? I'm not as drunk as I look."
- DAN

"We better get the hell outta here before I do somethin'.
- Diane

"Is this the one when you touch it you get poison ivy?"
- C

"Face Punch: Let's Do This!"
- movie poster, New Moon

"It’s being pumped through the building’s air conditioning system, you cock-juggling thundercunt!"
- Hannibal King, Blade: Trinity

"Have you ever fired two guns whilst jumping through the air?"
- Danny Butterman, Hot Fuzz

"I love snow. But I love martinis, too. And I love dressing up."
- EAY

"Are they virtual pies?"
- Lo Mo

"Do I have a girlfriend? Well, technically no..."
- John Legend, Green Light

“You’ve got red on you.”
- Shaun of the Dead

"You know, you're not supposed to eat late at night. Then again, you're not supposed to drink booze in the morning."
- Jim Gaffigan, Beyond the Pale

"Those men and that muff-diver believe in you."
- Patches O'Houlihan, Dodgeball: A True Underdog Story

"Cat in the wall, eh? Okaaay. Now you're talkin' my language. I know this game."
- Charlie, It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia

"It's what I have left over from my pool cleaning money...after I bought dip and nunchucks."
- Puck, Glee

"where are all the sane and happy guys that should want to jump our bones? we're desirable...and educated dammit"
- RT3

"i'll be strumming lady gaga on a ukulele while wearing a grass skirt"
- RT3

"Whoa, smack that ass!"
- Suki, 2 Fast 2 Furious

"This is a learning AND friendship adventure."
- Tracy Jordan, 30 Rock

"Fish sticks are not an aphrodisiac; you're thinking of deer penis."
- Dwight, The Office

"This is fun both in its text and gay crayon drawings."
The New Yorker, back of Mike Mulligan and His Steam Shovel

"Yeah, but it was crotch-based..."
- EAY

"This dog is not, and may never be, umbrella trained."
- Monk, Monk

"Bonjour, douche bag."
- Chev Chelios, Crank

"Where's the reject button?"
- Ronni

"I, too, spend most days thinking..."
- Lo Mo

"...I think this is emblematic of a bigger problem guys. I don't think people are proud to be Americans anymore. You know, not like we were in the eighties!"
- Mac, It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia

"That bear is a whore. Don't let anyone tell you otherwise."
- EAY

"Here, son. Penis cream for your nose."
- KAH

"What I'm telling you is, the turtle plagiarized."
- DAN

"Fucking Pterodactyls"
- T-shirt

"Look at him, his face, too, is like 'I'm a jerk.'"
- LMW

"He dreams hard."
- Aunt Lucy

"that's right, white and sweet...just like I like my women"
- E-ma

"...I will go to the animal shelter and get you a kitty cat. I will let you fall in love with that kitty cat, and then on some dark, cold night I will steal away into your home, and punch you in the face."
- Sue Sylvester, Glee

"1) thank you for the toffee apple, it was delicious 2) narwhals do exist"
- Prambo

"Are you questioning my badassness? Have you seen my guns?"
- Puckerman, Glee

"I love Dee. But don't tell her, 'cause then she might want to kiss me."
- J man

"You see these hands? Huh? Huh? You see them? If I put them in my pockets I will be arrested for concealing lethal weapons."
- Ernest, Ernest Goes to Camp

"You go ahead and write that in stone, in your heart. I will love you even if I can’t find your vagina."
- Burt, Away We Go

"Her name is Lenka. You just called her Lepenka, which means cardboard."
- Gaylord Oaks, Bad Company

"But why is the rum gone?"
- Jack Sparrow, Pirates of the Caribbean: The Curse of the Black Pearl

"Now it's a color me dad. Dad with two ds...extra dad."
- Bryan Abrams, Color Me Badd

"Focker out."
- Greg, Meet the Fockers

"That kid is back on the escalator again!"
- Brodie, Mallrats

"The man has only one look, for Christ's sake! Blue Steel? Ferrari? Le Tigra? They're the same face! Doesn't anybody notice this? I feel like I'm taking crazy pills!"
- Mugatu, Zoolander

"Plunk your magic twanger, Froggy."
- Andy, Andy's Gang

"You're dealing with children. They need to be terrified. It's like mother's milk to them."
- Sue Sylvester, Glee

"I'm just got wasted reading that"
- BCT

"I'll be back so soon you won't have time to miss me. Look after my heart--I've left it with you."
- Edward Cullen, Eclipse

"Fucking human existence--it's so fucked up. That's why everyone should be vampires."
- DAN

"He's leading with the creepy uncle but I think he's gonna go with the father figure you can trust."
- Tony DiNozzo, NCIS

"What the crap, Duckshirt?"
- Strong Bad, www.homestarrunner.com

"Of course I've written a children's book! Who hasn't?"
- Strong Bad, www.homestarrunner.com

"Kitchen cation tra..."
- Jack John

"You can drop me at the closest tree shop."
- Jack John

"Buttscratcher! Buttscratcher! Get your buttscratcher here! Buttscratcher!"
- Peter Griffin, The Family Guy

"There's an eff-ing mini dog behind me."
- BCT

"Co means 'you'."
- Matty

"Shit, your name doesn't even fit the rhyme scheme."
- Chrissy, Jay and Silent Bob Strike Back

"My belt holds up my pants and my pants have belt loops that hold up the belt. What the fuck’s really goin' on down there? Who is the real hero?"
- Mitch Hedberg

"Yeah. I go into the sea sometimes just to fuck around with the sharks. I have this thing called a shark rocket and I shoot it at them, and it really annoys them. And then I just wade there in the water, and they come at me, but I'm really good at eluding them."
- Dane Cook

"We’re all a little weird. We like to think there’s someone weirder. I’m sure some of you are looking at me and going, ‘Well, at least I’m not as weird as Gaffigan.’ And then I’m thinking, ‘Well, at least I’m not as weird as those people in the loony bin.’ And the people in the loony bin are going, ‘Well, at least I’m an orange.’”
- Jim Gaffigan

"The hard part was being the kid that got sent in first to calm mom down before you dragged in the actual banged up brother...'Hey, hey, Mom. Uh, okay, uh, uh, everything's fine.' You know, she bought that, yeah. 'Everything's fine. I just wanted to run in, at full speed, and uh, you know and say hi and uh, and uh, okay so...oh, you know Kevin? Uh, okay, of course, okay. Well you know how like his right arm, usually, usually it bends, usually it would bend like that? Okay, it's not bending like that right now. And it's no big deal 'cause we already looked at it, but we were thinkin' since you said that you had to go get milk later anyway, so we were thinking since you have to go anyway, anyway, that we were all thinking if when you go, if you just might wanna take him to the hospital.'"
- Brian Regan

"The cop showed up and at that point I had the right to remain silent, but I didn't have the ability."
- Ron White

"Did I leave the gas on? No! I'm, no, I'm a fuckin' squirrel!"
- Eddie Izzard

"My roommates said they were gonna get me rims for Christmas. Or a CB radio...I could talk to other car beds."
- Jeff, Grandma's Boy

"Sorry I hugged you and you missed your bus."
- Wardo

"I’m a godmother, that’s a great thing to be, a godmother. She calls me 'God' for short, that’s cute, I taught her that."
- Ellen DeGeneres

"Who is Josh Grobin? Kill youself! He is an angel sent from heaven to deliver platinum records unto us...and if he were here right now I would club you to death with his Critic's Choice Award."
- Sandy, Glee

"I'm not sure but I'm pretty sure I'm in a dance off."
- Andy, The Office

"Can I borrow your underpants for 10 minutes? "
- The Geek, Sixteen Candles

"Fucking hell, man, I don't make out with people so that you'll be interested in me."
- DAN

"Man, dissed in the Malibu. That's your castle, man."
- Denny, Say Anything

"Yeah, but it goes to women and children first...just like the Titanic."
- Julia

"It's a hell of a day at sea, Sir!"
- Coast Guard Guy, Overboard

"You keep using that word. I do not think it means what you think it means."
- Inigo Montoya, The Princess Bride

"Yeah, now I'm a Legos guy."
- Anonymous

"Ooooooooh shit. Look at that door, Dude. See that door right there--the one marked pirate? Do you think a pirate lives in there?"
- Charlie, It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia

"...and what the hell do you think you're wearing today? Did you think that that was a good outfit when you looked in the mirror today? I mean, you oughta fire your mirror, or punch it right in the face."
- Jason Bateman, Inside the Actors Studio

"All right, let's all recognize that this is a little awkward situation between friends at the welfare store and let's go our separate ways, okay?"
- Charlie, It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia

"Lady, you're an idiot...and by the way you have ugly hair."
- C

"You will suffer rapid death by cookie."
- A

"Strongly silent, courteously lush, exceedingly magical."
- Scorpion bowl description, Koi restaurant

"Do I offend?"
- Duckie, Pretty In Pink

"I have come here to chew bubblegum and kick ass...and I'm all out of bubblegum."
- Nada, They Live

"Fuck me gently with a chainsaw."
- Heather, Heathers

"Hear that? Can you guess what it is? That was my skull! I'm so wasted!"
- Jeff Spicoli, Fast Times At Ridgemont High

"Uh, Dick? Excuse me - ‘Rich’ - will milk be made available to us?"
- John Bender, The Breakfast Club

"Not you. Never you."
- Dr. Cox, Scrubs

"...and by 'neighborhood' I mean vagina"
- EAY

"But right now, they've gotta do what's right for them, cause it's their time. It's there time up there. Down here, it's our time. It's our time down here. That's all over the moment we ride up Troy's bucket."
- Mikey, The Goonies

"Put him in a body bag, Johnny!"
- fight spectator, Karate Kid

"School Affective Disorder: also known as end of summer depression or end of summer blues, is a mood disorder in which people who have normal mental health throughout most of the year experience depressive symptoms in the end of august repeatedly, year after year."
- DAN

"Did I urinate on your rug?"
- The Big Lebowski, The Big Lebowski

"Red, I do believe you're talking out of your ass."
- Floyd, The Shawshank Redemption

"Nothing against him, but if I hear "Yah Mo B There" one more time, I'm going to "Yah Mo" burn this place to the ground."
- David, The 40-Year-Old Virgin

"This is basically a guy, and there's 3 humans here, basically trying to make a warning, you know, saying 'I kill 3 humans, watch out for me.'
- Wikus Van De Merwe, District 9

"Pound is tic-tac-toe, right?"
- Gob, Arrested Development

"Wow. I misunderestimated you."
- Bride of Gob, Arrested Development

"Yippie ki-yay, motherfucker."
- John McClane, Die Hard

"Are you talking about hybrid cars? I thought you were talking about hybrid animals."
- Sidney Fife, I Love You, Man

"U R hot. I want to show you what a man looks like. Hot beef in your face. Fuck you."
- Jack John Jurk

"My food promotes optimum stool quality. Now I'm not just a good pooper, but an optimum one."
- Pedigree dog

"Hotness comes from within."
- E-ma

"...and remember not to look back as you drive away or you will turn into a chicken nugget..."
- EAY

"Nothing says 'true friend' like punching a pregnant woman."
- DAN

"Look at me, I'm Chandler. Could I be wearing any more clothes?"
- Joey, Friends

"You're in kindergarten, right? I used to love kindergarten. Best three years of my life."
- Mike Wazowski, Monsters Inc.

"And just as you have planted your seed in the ground, I am going to plant my seed in you."
- Dwight, The Office

"If worse comes to worse they treat you really well in the drunk tank at our age."
- RT3

"Oh my God, Karen, you can't just ask people why they're white."
- Gretchen, Mean Girls

"...are you a real american hero?"
- Timmay

"He's as crazy as a bedbug!"
- Mrs. N.

"It's so loud. WSBS will call you!"
- Cailin

"Sometimes you just have to pee in the sink."
- Charles Bukowski

"Any man who hates small dogs and children can't be all bad."
- W.C. Fields

"Ah, nothing like the sweet smell of 'cution in the evening."
- CSH

"It's such a fine line between stupid, and clever."
- David St. Hubbins, This Is Spinal Tap

"Many people in foreign countries do not speak English. You may need to speak louder and/or slower in order to make yourself understood."
- Foreign Travel Tips, The Onion

"I'm a lot like that Cookie Monster on Sesame Street. Only it's more like the Booze Monster."
- I'm Like A Chocoholic, But For Booze, The Onion

"i have an Elvis Pelvis"
- Matty

"i think i just fell asleep or something...i just completely blacked out"
- CSH

"I mean I did what I could with carpal tunnel, but I don't think people got that I was using that as a metaphor for vagina."
- The Todd, Scrubs

"A monkey riding a golden retriever is majestic."
- Eric

"If there was a problem yo I'll solve it
Check out the hook while my DJ revolves it"
- Vanilla Ice, Ice Ice Baby

"It may not be my way, but damn if there doesn't go one happy family. All right, gang, let's just shoot some tear gas into the diner, and then when the guys come out with the monkey, we'll... Fuck beans! That was them, wasn't it?"
- Federal Wildlife Marshal Willenholly, Jay and Silent Bob Strike Back

"What's my name? 14K, that's my name!"

- 14K, Death Race

"Do you know if the hotel is pager friendly? ... I'm not getting a sig' on my beeper."
- Alan Garner, The Hangover

"Get your dick out of your heart and come to the beach."
- EAY

"Be the change you wish to see in the world."

- Mahatma Gandhi

"Did you just ask for another cup of AWESOME?"

- DAN? BCT?

"We should do this in public more often."

- BCT? DAN?

"How about grandma only has one eye?"

- girl at Liam and Danielle's wedding

"Tell me what you want right now."

- Dave from the bar

"Cause they're, you know, zombies."

- BCT

"You wanna walk or screw?"

- BCT

"Listen, when I shit my pants it's a hilarious party."

- Statch

"Your pussy smells like a seven."

- Statch

"I have four balls."

- Statch

"Take a raincheck. Here, as rainmaker I'll issue you one."
- Evan Lawson, Royal Pains

"I love hat crap."
- DAN

"I told her what time it was."
- Fogell, Superbad

"I'm gonna make him cry like a little girl, and then I'm gonna mop the floor with his tears."
- Punch-Out commercial

"They're the beer bitches. They're waiting for the Twisted Tea King."
- AR

"There are two types of people in the world: those who like Neil Diamond and those who don't."

- Bob, What About Bob?

"It's not sexy! Electricity makes me insane."
- Wade "Cry-Baby" Walker, Cry-Baby

"Salsa's personal now."

- Neil

"Throw some beer in it."

- RT3

"Now I'm really going to laugh at people who get wafer cones."

- Jo

"Sometimes i feel like 50 isn't enough for how close she gets!!"
- BCT

"I wanna tell her how hot she is but she'll think I'm being sexist. She's so hot she's making me sexist. Bitch."

- Bret, Flight of the Conchords, She's So Hot - Boom

"Uh, I-I don't know we made brownies. And I think we're dead. I really do."

- High Cop Calls 911

"Put it in your hickey."

- DAN

"If you didn't feel a lil bad, you would do it all the time...and most DEF get the clap."
- BCT

"Ohhh babies in cages, silly babies."

- CSH

"Socrates - he was like the Vince McMahon of philosophy, he started it all."
- Rubin, Road Trip

"This term for a long-handled gardening tool can also mean an immoral pleasure seeker." - Alex Trebek

"What is a ho?" - Ken

- Jeopardy

"We got no food, we got no jobs...our PET'S HEADS ARE FALLING OFF!" 

- Lloyd, Dumb and Dumber

"Life isn't about finding yourself. Life is about creating yourself."

- George Bernard Shaw

"Tom Hanks, would you just pick a category...and he has his hand stuck in a pickle jar."

- Will Ferrell as Alex Trebek, SNL: Celebrity Jeopardy

"Hey, Donkey, what's goin' on? You're a donkey. I like that. You eat apples right? I produce Entourage."

- Andy Samberg as Mark Wahlberg, SNL: Mark Wahlberg Talks To Animals

Do you feel as though being a member of a team makes you more or less likely to drink and why?
"More likely because it's the whole 'varsity athlete' stereotype - we're cool therefore we drink."
- KAH

"To ask the students to stop drinking was about as popular as it would have been to ask the professors to stop reading books--or to stop drinking."
- anonymous professor

"Gangstaaaaaaaaaaasss...what's up, Guys?"
- Fogell, Superbad

"Do you have two voices in your head and just not tune either of them out?"
- Wardo

"That random guy is gonna be so lucky."
- Wardo

"Why are you eyein' my lemon drink?"
- Mrs. Jones, The Happening

"I am a rooster illusion."
- Tugg Speedman, Tropic Thunder

"And now you find yourself in 82
The disco hotspots hold no charm for you
You can't concern yourself with bigger things
You catch the pearl and ride the dragon's wings"
- Asia, Heat of the Moment

"I got a dirty down addiction
It doesn't leave a track
I got a jones for your affection
Like a monkey on my back"
- Bon Jovi, Bad Medicine

"What? Kenny snuck into the studio to record a song for Hollywood? Dear God, I hope it's smooth!"
- Michael Mc Donald, Yacht Rock #3: I'm Alright

"Hall and I will not stand idly by while you California vagina sailors stab the American airwaves in the balls with your shit music."
- John Oates, Yacht Rock #1: What a Fool Believes

"Prepare for the arrival of Lexington and Concord."
- EAY

"Staring at the swim team gets you killed by a gang of dancing ninja men who know how to twirl."
- Total Eclipse of the Heart, Literal Video Version

"We canvassed the area. No one is talking. There is a smurf war..." - Ziva
"Turf war." - Tony
- NCIS

"My pilot's license? It's out back in the Cessna. Or perhaps you're referring to my license to kill. Revoked - problems at the Kazakhstan border. I'd give you the details, but then I'd have to kill you...which I can't do because my license to kill has been revoked."
- Shawn Spencer, Psych

"You are wise, Liz Lemon. Like a genetically manipulated shark."
- Tracy Jordan, 30 Rock

"happy birthday to my wife...our life together is so beautiful."
- birthday card from CSH

"Only a life lived for others is a life worthwhile."
- Albert Einstein

"FU. And by FU I mean FOR U! XO, E."
- E-ma

"Gotta call someone...I'm calling...911...oh wait...I'm a cop."
- Pearl, Good Cop, Baby Cop

"You'll be evic-fit...I'll put you on the streets."
- Pearl, The Landlord

"Let's have some fun, this beat is sick, I wanna take a ride on your disco stick."
- Lady GaGa, Love Game

"I don't know what that means, but I love it!"
- Texas Ranger, Talladega Nights: The Ballad of Ricky Bobby

"Eeh, I'd rather talk to syrup."
- Red, That 70s Show

"What the crap, Duckshirt."
- Strong Bad, Homestar Runner

"Always do sober what you said you'd do drunk. That will teach you to keep your mouth shut."
- Ernest Hemingway

"It's been such a long time. It's been such a loooooooong ti-i-ime."
- Boston, Long Time

"This shit is what piccolo players live for."
- EAY

"I don't know, it's bird shit wrapped in a feather."
- EAY

"Hey, Ron! I'm riding a furry tractor."
- Brick Tamland, Anchorman: The Legend of Ron Burgundy

"The battle is on."
- K

"I'm crazier than the box of rocks."
- Tracy Morgan

"...and now, having lived two years of its life in the city of cleveland, dodging bullets and potholes, it will live out the rest of its life auctioned off in cleveland somewhere, sure to be used as a drug trafficking device in the #2 poorest and most obese city in the country."
- JMB

"You have sexually transmitted crazy mouth...deal breaker!"
- Liz Lemon, 30 Rock

"What's so funny?" - Michael
"You had to be there!" - Pam
"Oh, yay--geography joke!" - Michael
- The Office

"Ms. N., I have a bellyache." - C
"How much of a bellyache?" - DAN
"Uh...like 2 inches." - C

"Mr. O'Connor! There's too much cheese on the floor for the sweeper. I think we're going to need a hand job."
- Anonymous

"My pants are complicated."
- MW

"Cause I'm a motherlover, your a motherlover, we should fuck each others' mothers...fuck each others' moooooooooms..."
- JT & Andy Samberg, "Motherlover"

"Pooh thought to himself: 'If the pig sneezes, he's fucking dead.'"
- Winnie-the-Pooh vs. swine flu

"There's something wrong with this yogurt." - Spike
"Ah, that's not yogurt, that's mayonnaise..." - William
"Ah, right-o then." - Spike
- Notting Hill

"It is a daytime disco on the ground floor of an industrial office building."
- Michael Scott, The Office

"And, as I have always maintained, M.B. does speak to the masses."
- DAN

"This is Gregoriava from Bulgaria...I saw her snatch this morning and it was amazing."
- Pat Glenn, weightlifting commentator

"What are you able to do with your spare time? What have you been doing?" - David Letterman
"IIIIIII'm just doin' karate and tryin' to get females pregnant." - Tracy Morgan

"We think Amanda said it best: 'This is me. And a tiger. In a shopping mall.'"
- AwkwardFamilyPhotos.com

"Hope for the best but prepare for the worst."
- Dalai Lama

"Don't patronize me with your Celtic slang..."
- Tracy Jordan, 30 Rock

"Do not ask me where I got the invisible ink. Urine. It was urine."
- Dwight, The Office

"I could make you sterile."
- CSH

"They're my squishy boots."
- The Crack Fox, The Mighty Boosh

"Easy now, fuzzy little man peach. You ever drunk Bailey's from a shoe?"
- Old Gregg, The Mighty Boosh

"Who paid for that floor? Not me. No way. Never paid for no floor ever again. Not once. Not never. Nope. Who's chair is that?"
- Drinking out of Cups

"Just cause someone gave you the ketchup doesn't mean you have to like him...here...do you like me now?"
- CSH

"I'll save these for later."
- Kevin McAllister, Home Alone

"Light up the eyes, boys, light up the eyes!"
- Grandpa Mori Tanaka, 3 Ninjas

"Dear Teacher,

Over the years I've found that just about everyone I meet has a fond memory of Scholastic Book Clubs. Sitting on a parent's lap and choosing books together from the flyer... waiting impatiently for the book box... shouting with excitement when the book box finally arrived in the classroom! All of these wonderful memories are what make Scholastic Book Clubs a timeless experience—and one that is so much fun to share. That's why I wanted to let you know about a new Facebook group we've created called I Scholastic Book Clubs.

It's a place for you to talk about what Scholastic Book Clubs meant to you as a child, as well as how you use them in your classroom today. Or, you can just stop by and chat about great new books you've discovered... or old favorites... with booklovers like yourself. It's also a place where we at Scholastic Book Clubs can share with you the latest Book Clubs news, photos, videos, new books we love, and other things we've found on the Internet that we think might be of interest to you.

I would like to personally invite you to join the group. Just go to http://www.facebook.com/group.php?gid=80409534352 or copy and paste this link into your browser.

I hope to see you there!"

- Judy Newman, President, Scholastic Book Clubs

"Hey, Cat in the Hat, slide me five, brotha!"
- Steve

"The swans stay."
- CSH

"Um... I think he went to change his pants."
- BCT

"I drank this in Mexico, and now I'm wearing it."
- DAN

"I have to turn my phone off...no one can know this."
- RT

"Do you need to go to the bathroom?" - DAN
"No, it's stuck." - C
"You mean, it's stuck in your zipper?" - DAN
"No..." - C

"Mrs. Morris, I can't get 2 songs out of my head--Oh Cecilia and Ode to Joy."
- M

"Take some Advil...to cure my hangover...with my wine...as I keep drinking?"
- DAN

"I saw what you said."
- E. G-berg

"I am a laugh whore. You know I'll try anything to get one."
- DAN

"Yes. Arm the teachers. The only way to keep guns out of our classrooms is to put guns in our classrooms."
- Stephen Colbert

"For some reason I felt like filing my taxes would be like an orgasmic release of sexual chocolate or something..."
- RPH

"Oh! It was the clap and flash that did it!" - DAN
"I've gotten that before." - Lo Mo

"I'd love to see you...and your whispering eye."
- Danny, Role Models

"Keeled over...that's what KO stands for in boxing."
- Lo Mo

"So here's some advice I wish I woulda got when I was your age: Live every week like it's shark week."
- Tracy Jordan, 30 Rock

"Yes. Tell your mother I would love to mow her lawn."
- Bartleby Gaines, Accepted

"What's in the back?" - a guard
"Stuff...for elevators." - Jennifer Evans
The Shaft

"...like sexual harassment style...but I'll work it for the money."
- EAY

"His fuckin' ahhms broken!"
- lady at Bruins game

"They're just piggybacking off the success of Paul Blart."
- CSH

"...I get older, they stay the same age."
- Wooderson, Dazed and Confused

"It says that we should drink Pedialyte."
- CSH

"Oh, I like your outfit, too. Except when I dress up like a frigid bitch, I try not to look so constipated."
- Elle Woods, Legally Blonde

"Keep your tits in tonight."
- EAY

"Yeah... she was adorable... fuckin' bitch."
- David, The 40-Year-Old Virgin

"Where are your pants, Denise?"
- BCT

"Im looking for someone who doesnt play games and doesnt try to wear the pants on the relationship."
- a match.com profile

"Excuse me! Where is the manager? I'm from the government, and I'm here to inspect your chicken nuggets!"
- Tracy Jordan, 30 Rock

"Though you might consider finishing school or having a good job to be “accomplishments” many white people view them as burdens. As such, they can only handle them for so long before they start talking about their need to “take a year off” to travel, volunteer, or work abroad...This way they are able to put off real life without the crippling derailment of a career or education."
- Stuff White People Like

"Music is saying life isn't that bad."
- Nathaniel Ayers

"I'm gonna get sick drunk tonight."
- RT3

"I've found you, you little minx..."
- EAY

"Damn! Look at her shakin' her sugar shakes."
- BCT

"Cool?!? That girl's an asshole!"
- lazy-eyed old lady

"Are you a unicorn?"
- Margaret Cho

"I'm like a Title I chapter for alcohol."
- BCT

"When in robe.."
- DAN

"Are you giving me a perm, Milwaukee?"
- EAY

"You went to Jared on that french dip!"
- Amy Brophy

"The elephant uses its toothbrush to use the paintbrush..."
- Lo Mo

"I can feel you tremble when we touch, and I feel the hand of fate, reaching out to both of us, there's a story in my eyes, turn the pages of desi-iiiiiiiiiire..."
- Survivor, I Can't Hold Back

"It would have been nice to get a last clutch of eggs from Cherry but Ben and Jerry do make a lovely couple.”
- Paul Stevens, warden of Arundel Wetland Centre in West Sussex

"...but i just realized i put in butter instead of milk. They'll just taste better now right?"
- JMB

"VHS VIP, Biotch."
- DAN

"I always check crotches."
- Mama Negrini

"What if I pledge to make every day more fun than the last?"
- Lo Mo

"I totally want to cut off your skin and wear it to my birthday...it's coming up."
- Hector, Blades of Glory

"Would somebody get me a noose? And this time, make it sturdy."
- Walter K.

"Get out of here, sharks."
- Made 'hip-hop dancer'

"I think my heart has adult ADD."
- DAN

"Devil's avocado here, Larry. I think people should freak the geek out!"
- Tracy Jordan, 30 Rock

"Oooooohh! I thought this was a law commercial!"
- Bails

"I regularly sniff chipmunks."
- Lo Mo

"Pistol whip him, Chappy. Give him a little knick knack paddy whack."
- rando lady, Happy Texas

"i had a french boyfriend for awhile but we broke up because i thought he was crazy. i think we'll be getting back together soon... (i say this jokingly but i'm also unfortunately kinda serious) also. i think i might have accidentally dined and dashed at a fondu restaurant last night. but i can't actually be sure since my friend and i have no recollection of what actually happened..."
- Ebonniks!

"I came here to murder you."
- Peter, Forgetting Sarah Marshall

"Hooked On Phonics worked for Othar."
- Lo Mo

"I am fluent in Spanish riddlery."
- DAN

"Negotiations are still under way with Chris O'Donnell and LL Cool J, who would play the two leads."
- Maxine Shen, "'NCIS,' Jr. Takes Shape"

"Wow, that's real crystal. Put-put-put it in your purse."
- Frank McAllister, Home Alone

"We call him Top Cat--TC for short."
- Lesley Anne Ivory, Meet My Cats

"You say you love rainbows but you don't know the colors."
- Lo Mo

"Bitch, you don't have a future."
- The Bride, Kill Bill: Vol. 2

"This is what you need to do--you need to sew your wild oats."
- E-ma

"It's the Amazing Race, Phyllis!"
- Michael Scott, The Office

What do friends do for one another?
"Help each other when hurt?"
- K

"Peanut butter...it fills the cracks of the heart."
- Paul Blart, Paul Blart: Mall Cop

"I always wanted to go out with a blind girl. I think it'd be really neat."
- Anonymous science teacher

"I need to tell you something. Did you know that banana is a number?"
- C

"I only eat things that are served in nests."
- Suzanne A.

"Move that gigantic cotton candy!"
- random guy, Super Troopers

"Blew his way to Scranton then to Cranston..."
- DK

"We never had enough to buy the plastic lawn donkey!"
- Marie St. G.

"Enjoy yourself, roam around. Don't break anything."
- President Barack Obama

"Communicating effectively is for girls."
- 8th grade boy

"I like to tape my thumbs to my hands to see what it would be like to be a dinosaur."
- Anonymous

"Workin' nine to five, what a way to make a livin'..."
- Dolly Parton

"How long have you been left-handed?"
- Lo Mo

"Frank, it was on the cart path. Why don't you try reading the rules, Shankopotamus."
- E*TRADE baby

"Well, we shouldn't have pole vaulted each other last night."
- Danny P.

"The stress of being a chotch hole..."
- EAY

"I'll look into it, but I'm guessing you are wholly unqualified to have anything to do with young children."
- ECP IV

"Pants on fire!! What will YOU be doing?? High kicks??"
- Bails

"Look, that is Auntie Cailin when she was a little boy."
- Jayder, almost 4

"I can't say I didn't beg for drugs at the end but it was too late!"
- KAD

"Just think, you can go home and tell all your friends what you did tonight!"
- Yanner D.

"Haha. He called you a lady...he don't know you."
- RT

"Do you wanna go do karate in the garage?"
"Yup."
- Step Brothers

"The second tip is go to bed early, you dufus, 'cause when you're sleepin' there's no lonely times...it's just dreams."
- Dr. Steve Brule

"are stil thinking to come back? we are stil here to be your friend."
- Lomba

"My advice is I hope you have a nice time, Orack Obama."
- J

"I need a diet. Or a turtleneck."
- DAN

"She doesn't drink anymore. She doesn't drink any less!"
- Mama Thaxton

"You know what I say...if I don't have a bottle in front of me, give me a frontal lobotomy!"
- Papa Thaxton

"Why? Does someone have a rice allergy?"
- Chuck Joe Jurk

"Yeah, but I'm not a two stripe kinda person."
- Nicole A.

"Oh, there you are, Peter!"
- little boy in Hook

"I enjoy your harassment as twisted as that is."
- ERC

"♫ If you were me, then I'd be you, and I'd use your body to get to the top."
- Ace Ventura

"Thanks for stacking me high and tight, Kids. See you next year."
- AT&T Snowman

"What if you really don't like something. Are you still going to eat it...for the environment?"
- Fiona McCormick

"It didn't say you couldn't share with your roommate...just sexual partners."
- CSH

"C'mon now, hide your shame...and by shame I mean your face."
- RT

"It's not that I'm trying to get worse at lying, I'm trying to get better at honesty."
- Bails

"Maybe that's all that we need
Is to meet in the middle of impossibility
We're standing at opposite poles
Equal partners in a mystery"
- I. Girls, "Mystery"

"People think a soul mate is your perfect fit, and that's what everyone wants. But a true soul mate is a mirror, the person who shows you everything that is holding you back, the person who brings you to your own attention so you can change your life."
- Elizabeth Gilbert, Eat Pray Love

"Not only did we embarrass Marky Mark, we let down the funky bunch."
- Stranz Van Waldenberg, Blades of Glory

"You're as queer as a three dollar bill, Erin."
- EA(N)Y

"I'm just gonna jump into it...and you're gonna hold me like a baby!"
- E-ma

"I was hoping you'd roofie me soon."
- Bails

"I was the only family in my village."
- CSH