"There's an eff-ing mini dog behind me."
- BCT

"Co means 'you'."
- Matty

"Shit, your name doesn't even fit the rhyme scheme."
- Chrissy, Jay and Silent Bob Strike Back

"My belt holds up my pants and my pants have belt loops that hold up the belt. What the fuck’s really goin' on down there? Who is the real hero?"
- Mitch Hedberg

"Yeah. I go into the sea sometimes just to fuck around with the sharks. I have this thing called a shark rocket and I shoot it at them, and it really annoys them. And then I just wade there in the water, and they come at me, but I'm really good at eluding them."
- Dane Cook

"We’re all a little weird. We like to think there’s someone weirder. I’m sure some of you are looking at me and going, ‘Well, at least I’m not as weird as Gaffigan.’ And then I’m thinking, ‘Well, at least I’m not as weird as those people in the loony bin.’ And the people in the loony bin are going, ‘Well, at least I’m an orange.’”
- Jim Gaffigan

"The hard part was being the kid that got sent in first to calm mom down before you dragged in the actual banged up brother...'Hey, hey, Mom. Uh, okay, uh, uh, everything's fine.' You know, she bought that, yeah. 'Everything's fine. I just wanted to run in, at full speed, and uh, you know and say hi and uh, and uh, okay so...oh, you know Kevin? Uh, okay, of course, okay. Well you know how like his right arm, usually, usually it bends, usually it would bend like that? Okay, it's not bending like that right now. And it's no big deal 'cause we already looked at it, but we were thinkin' since you said that you had to go get milk later anyway, so we were thinking since you have to go anyway, anyway, that we were all thinking if when you go, if you just might wanna take him to the hospital.'"
- Brian Regan

"The cop showed up and at that point I had the right to remain silent, but I didn't have the ability."
- Ron White

"Did I leave the gas on? No! I'm, no, I'm a fuckin' squirrel!"
- Eddie Izzard

"My roommates said they were gonna get me rims for Christmas. Or a CB radio...I could talk to other car beds."
- Jeff, Grandma's Boy

"Sorry I hugged you and you missed your bus."
- Wardo

"I’m a godmother, that’s a great thing to be, a godmother. She calls me 'God' for short, that’s cute, I taught her that."
- Ellen DeGeneres

"Who is Josh Grobin? Kill youself! He is an angel sent from heaven to deliver platinum records unto us...and if he were here right now I would club you to death with his Critic's Choice Award."
- Sandy, Glee

"I'm not sure but I'm pretty sure I'm in a dance off."
- Andy, The Office

"Can I borrow your underpants for 10 minutes? "
- The Geek, Sixteen Candles

"Fucking hell, man, I don't make out with people so that you'll be interested in me."
- DAN

"Man, dissed in the Malibu. That's your castle, man."
- Denny, Say Anything

"Yeah, but it goes to women and children first...just like the Titanic."
- Julia

"It's a hell of a day at sea, Sir!"
- Coast Guard Guy, Overboard

"You keep using that word. I do not think it means what you think it means."
- Inigo Montoya, The Princess Bride

"Yeah, now I'm a Legos guy."
- Anonymous

"Ooooooooh shit. Look at that door, Dude. See that door right there--the one marked pirate? Do you think a pirate lives in there?"
- Charlie, It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia

"...and what the hell do you think you're wearing today? Did you think that that was a good outfit when you looked in the mirror today? I mean, you oughta fire your mirror, or punch it right in the face."
- Jason Bateman, Inside the Actors Studio

"All right, let's all recognize that this is a little awkward situation between friends at the welfare store and let's go our separate ways, okay?"
- Charlie, It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia

"Lady, you're an idiot...and by the way you have ugly hair."
- C

"You will suffer rapid death by cookie."
- A

"Strongly silent, courteously lush, exceedingly magical."
- Scorpion bowl description, Koi restaurant

"Do I offend?"
- Duckie, Pretty In Pink

"I have come here to chew bubblegum and kick ass...and I'm all out of bubblegum."
- Nada, They Live

"Fuck me gently with a chainsaw."
- Heather, Heathers